Small Courtesies

One who ignores another's milestones and major life events is not a friend. Failure to acknowledge serious illness or death, marriage, or achievement of an important life goal is but affirmation of the obvious: An acquaintance is no more than that, and is lacking in the social graces as well. Most likely one doesn't much care, or understands such disregard as a clear indication that the relationship itself merits being disregarded.

But what of the small things? The birthday greeting that is days, weeks, or months late. The small favor forgotten. The overlooked invitation. The gift that isn't: A lukewarm "Let me know where you want to go out to celebrate your promotion," with no offer to treat or of a date or of a plan, or "It's so hard to shop for you that I haven't gotten around to buying your present [although the occasion has passed and I haven't made much effort]."

Few of us need another birthday card, social obligation, material object, or free meal, and it's easy to reason that careless friends mean well but are busy or disorganized. But both parties lose when we accept that sad conclusion.

It's true that timely birthday and holiday greetings, casual favors, little "just because" gifts, acknowledgments of small triumphs and setbacks, and celebrations no matter how modest are small courtesies, not major life needs.

But good friends are worthy of small courtesies.

Anger and fear abound these days, appearing as road rage, sullen silence, passive-aggressive manipulation, endless self-justification, prolonged seething that suddenly erupts into violence, malignant sadness, compulsive fault-finding, adamant self justification, and defensive isolation.

I wonder if more birthday greetings carefully delivered on time, more I-thought-of-you-when-I-saw-this-and-wanted-you-to-have-it small gifts, more flowers and home-grown vegetables handed over the back fence, more come-for-tea-Sunday-afternoon or I'd-like-to-gather-a-few-friends-next-Friday-to-celebrate-your-new-job, more invitations reciprocated, in short, more simple, small courtesies, if these might be a larger-than-expected step towards peace on earth, and if they might make a significant dent in the epidemic of "cardiodiabesity" and other lifestyle diseases characterized by people trying to fill and comfort themselves in a world that may feel colder and more empty than an observer might suspect.

It seems an experiment worth trying: Indifference, convenience, habit, and self-preoccupation, or

Small Courtesies?