If she were alive today the grandmother who reared me would be looking ahead to her 129th birthday this year, so it's fair to say she was from another era. She also hailed from the old South with its conventions about manners and propriety. She taught me early on to say "Good morning," "How do you do?," "Please," "May I?," and "Thank you." The correct response to "How are you?" was "Very well, thank you. And you?" And passersby on the street should be met with a smile, a greeting, and a bit of small talk, such as, "Nice weather!"
Especially here in the city, the constant onslaught of social stimuli can be overwhelming, and the practical problem of greeting everyone passing on the street while still managing to remember where one is going and why is real. So the unspoken contract that says we properly avert our eyes, focus resolutely on our own business, and silently keep going when we meet others is understandable. But on a quiet neighborhood street on a Sunday afternoon when there is nothing more pressing that buying bones for dogs and a birthday card for a friend, there is time for friendly acknowledgement of another's presence. But for a stranger's "Nites wedder" this might not have occurred to me.
Crudeness, abrasiveness, and snark seem to be the order of the day in 2019. Recently I have heard heated assertions that no one should take exception to the use of profanity anymore, and I have heard young, educated, professional women swear like sailors and seem proud of it, oblivious to the fact that in their torrent of blue language they have failed to make any point other than that they are experiencing emotions. Impressive, provocative, and compelling they're not, but loud and proud they are nonetheless. It's a lazy, self-absorbed habit, and they can do better.
Just yesterday in a community social media group a neighbor posted a warning about a scam to which she had fallen prey, alerting others to be mindful and not as gullible as she had been. For this other neighbors called her an idiot, questioned how she could be so stupid, and said that anyone who is that dumb deserves no sympathy. Harsh judgments of someone who by her own admission made a mistake, learned from it, and wanted to warn others. A response to another neighbor's concern was to call people a**holes. If someone is thoughtless or makes a mistake when driving the response is rage, whether leaning on one's horn, yelling choice words from the window, or trying to even the score, often in dangerous ways. Respecting people while disagreeing with their opinions or choices largely is a lost art, and precious few folks seem to be able to listen to a different point of view and thoughtfully consider what constructive contribution to the conversation they might make instead of hammering their own ideas increasingly loudly and aggressively while belittling the other party.
When we engage in name-calling we set people apart as "other." Viewing people as "other" is the first step towards judgment and condemnation, and once "others" have been judged inferior, lesser, and/or wrong it is easier to justify ridiculing, excluding, restricting, or harming them. So whether it's the libs or the snowflakes or the anti-vaxxers or the baby killers or one or another political party or race, religion, ethnicity, national origin, language, dress, gender, sexual orientation, or social status, someone is painting with a broad brush, and being similarly painted in return. Insults and trolling do nothing but harden positions and buttress the barriers that divide us. I have seen this play out even among sports fans, where devotees of one team assume moral and existential superiority over their rivals, well beyond the bounds of sportsmanship and spirited rivalry.
The negative energy in all this is stark and heavy. It's tiring, as attacking, defending, and ever being on guard take energy. It's an individual health problem and a public health problem as stress levels rise, bodies break down, and then communities do, too. Today there is news of two more mass shootings, and tonight I received a security alert about a shooting just blocks from my own home.
It's time to stop. Not time just to demand that politicians, police, social service agencies, and others take action, but time to act ourselves. This means speaking thoughtfully and respectfully rather than critically and harshly, focusing on positive goals rather than on the shortcomings of others, and actively looking for common ground and common values, on which to build. It means condemning bad behaviors, not people individually or in groups. It means taking to heart for ourselves the lessons we teach young children: "Use your words" when you're upset, not your fists, automobiles, or guns. And as adults, speak meaningfully in ways that advance discussion and understanding, something that a string of profanity and insults does not do.
The task seems daunting, this business of re-civilizing our uncivil civilization. But maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it starts simply with biting one's tongue from time to time, thinking before speaking and then speaking well, and from time to time putting phones away, removing earbuds, taking a deep breath, looking around, and smiling at a stranger who's a little different and saying, "Hi!," "Good morning," or perhaps even . . .
"Nites Wedder."
